Ramblings- warning, it's a little dark

I have this urge, this intense desire which overwhelms me. I have a need I can’t seem to fill. I don’t know what it is, but I know it’s there. I can feel it. It’s this great big gaping hole in my stomache. Sometimes it grows until I feel like there is nothing inside of me. I am hollow. My organs are gone and all that is left is emtpiness. Maybe I was born this way. Maybe I’ll go the doctor one day and have a scan and watch their shock as they realise there is nothing inside of me.

The outisde is but a tainted shell, weathered and worn by years of the ocean beating on its back. It no longer recalls the beauty of that ocean. Just the bleak endlessness of the horizon.

I’m so tired I can’t speak. Besides, what’s the point. Everyday I wake up to the same thing. Nothing ever seems to change. I go forward for awhile, make progress, people are proud. And then I fall, tumble down to the depths of my despair. What makes a person this way? I’ve resigned myself to believing that this is just how it is. This is my life. Up and down and then down again. Everything seems so utterly pointless. I take pleasure in nothing. I am not who I once was. I cannot remember…

I have little clue as to who this person is in the mirror. Our conversations run in circles. I do not recognise her freckles, the shape of her brow or those eyes staring back at me. They are not mine. They must belong to somebody else. I am no longer here.

The best way to die would be to evaporate. To slowly disappear into a vast nothingness. No violence, no drastic measures. Just to fade away and at last be at peace. People would not miss me, for after awhile they will no longer notice I am there. I will start to disappear even before I am gone. They will forget they knew me. I will forget I knew me.

It takes great strength to take one’s own life, to force yourself to that very last breath and not fear…to not regret. I wonder if most people do. Do they get to those last few seconds and suddenly a fearful clarity becomes them? I wonder.

I am not strong. I have never been strong. Most believe that to be strong is to endure. Anyone can endure. Our minds take us far away and the dosociation protects us. To be strong is to move forward. But how can we? How do we leave that dark place which is so familiar to us? The place we have known for so long? The place we call home…