Ramblings- warning, it's a little dark

I have this urge, this intense desire which overwhelms me. I have a need I can’t seem to fill. I don’t know what it is, but I know it’s there. I can feel it. It’s this great big gaping hole in my stomache. Sometimes it grows until I feel like there is nothing inside of me. I am hollow. My organs are gone and all that is left is emtpiness. Maybe I was born this way. Maybe I’ll go the doctor one day and have a scan and watch their shock as they realise there is nothing inside of me.

The outisde is but a tainted shell, weathered and worn by years of the ocean beating on its back. It no longer recalls the beauty of that ocean. Just the bleak endlessness of the horizon.

I’m so tired I can’t speak. Besides, what’s the point. Everyday I wake up to the same thing. Nothing ever seems to change. I go forward for awhile, make progress, people are proud. And then I fall, tumble down to the depths of my despair. What makes a person this way? I’ve resigned myself to believing that this is just how it is. This is my life. Up and down and then down again. Everything seems so utterly pointless. I take pleasure in nothing. I am not who I once was. I cannot remember…

I have little clue as to who this person is in the mirror. Our conversations run in circles. I do not recognise her freckles, the shape of her brow or those eyes staring back at me. They are not mine. They must belong to somebody else. I am no longer here.

The best way to die would be to evaporate. To slowly disappear into a vast nothingness. No violence, no drastic measures. Just to fade away and at last be at peace. People would not miss me, for after awhile they will no longer notice I am there. I will start to disappear even before I am gone. They will forget they knew me. I will forget I knew me.

It takes great strength to take one’s own life, to force yourself to that very last breath and not fear…to not regret. I wonder if most people do. Do they get to those last few seconds and suddenly a fearful clarity becomes them? I wonder.

I am not strong. I have never been strong. Most believe that to be strong is to endure. Anyone can endure. Our minds take us far away and the dosociation protects us. To be strong is to move forward. But how can we? How do we leave that dark place which is so familiar to us? The place we have known for so long? The place we call home…

Physical Pain vs Emotional Pain

There is no denying that there is a stigma in our society that emotional pain is not real pain. I hate it with a passion. I

f someone falls over and breaks their leg, everyone sympathises and understands that there is a need to take time off, and look after yourse. Physical pain is an acceptable type of pain. Yet if someone has depression and is suffering intense emotional pain it is considered weak and invalid. This shits me. And I sadly wonder why that with all the information and education out there about mental illness it is still not accepted as genuine.

I have come across many people in my life who have thought, either secretly or publicly that depression, (and other personality disorders) is not a real illness and that one should simply 'snap out of it.' It hurts me to think that despite all efforts to educate people, our tolerance and understanding of such illness is still lacking.

The fact of the matter that depression is real. It is not just a 'phase' and something that one can simply get over. Ever heard the expression, I just couldn't get out of bed? That isn't an exaggeration. It comes to a point where there is nothing left in you and the most simple of tasks seem impossible. I've heard so many people say you should just get up! Just get out of bed. It's not that hard. It is. I remember these days clearly. Having no energy left to face the world, I became unable to do normal things, like eat, shower, dress or brush my teeth. You simply stop existing.

my cat makes me happy

Panic Attack

So what does a panic attack actually feel like? Read on. Most of my panic attacks happen when I really want to hurt myself but try and resist this. I wrote this entry whilst being in the psych ward after one of my biggest panic attacks. I was sitting by the locked doors to the outside and sobbing, giant heaving sobs where you can no longer breathe and I truly felt like my life was never going to get better. I believed I was always going to feel this way, and I couldn't take that anymore.

A Coffin of Hope

Sitting curled up against the wall, those barred windows hardly a glimmer of hope. How can a person be expected to stay locked up in here and not go insane? Coming back is the worst. You experience the smallest piece of freedom only to return to the cage. Last night I was terrified of ending up like them. The real crazies who believe they have the answer to life, Or the ones who sit. God’s waiting room I call it. They merely spend their days sitting, staring in silence, awaiting death. Who knows if they even think? Or perhaps they merely pray for someone to put them out of their misery. I was convinced that they’d never led me free. And then there’s the world outside. It’s all stressing me out so much. And my mind...I just want it to stop. Please let the darkness engulf me. All I wanted to do was die. I felt as if my body was about to explode. I could feel the fire in my chest flaring. A heavy weight crushes against it. I want my heart to burst. My skin crawls and itches. I want to move but sit still. I stretch and pound at the floor. I want to scream but stay silent. It all hurts so much I want to destroy myself. Crush every bone in my body. Please God make it stop. Kill me now. Stop the pain.

If only they knew the truth. That I was so prepared to die, desperately trying to stab at my veins with a blunt earring…Couldn’t get through. It just wouldn’t pierce the skin properly. I wanted it so bad. I imagined them finding me. The blood dripping over the bed and me already gone... Asleep for all time. If I tell them the truth they’ll keep me here forever. I can’t let this place become home. Though as horrible as that is it sometimes feels that way. “Don’t get too comfortable,” (Girl Interrupted.) I guess the definition of irony is watching Dr Phil. whilst being in the mental ward. It’s like a game here. You play by the rules and you win and get out of gaol free card. The nurses say jump and you say how high?

“To wear the gold fitted hat if that move her.”

They took my blades

I want to tear off my skin with my bear hands. I can feel it inside of me, spiders crawling, longing to escape. Is it the real me in there? Somehow telling me...who knows? I sit here, still quiet. But inside I feel like I’m inside a washing machine. I’m screaming so loud my lungs bleed. I can visualise myself thrashing about a room, banging my head against a wall, holes punched through it. I hear all these patients howling through the night. I almost envy them. I wish I could just yell and scream and break everything around me, smash through a window with my bare hand, glass embedded in my knuckles. I felt like that at school. I can remember times when I would sit studious and silent and yet in my mind I was picking up chairs and smashing the glass mirrors of the drama room. I can’t believe that it still hasn’t left me after all this time.

Hey everyone,

Have had a pretty shitty week and usually when I'm feeling like this I tend not write. So for now I'm going to post some more of my old journal entries.

Enjoy

Entry from Hospital Journal

Sounds of the Ward Jan 2005

Tick Tick Tick

Shouts

Cough Cough

Alarm!

Loud Swearing

Doorbell

Crying

Constant Foosteps...

Bad music

Moans

Cries

Weeping

Sobbing

Snoring

Screaming

SMASH!

Silence…

Wish for something better...
http://www.explodingdog.com/

Stranger

Have you ever wondered how you got to a certain point in life? Sometimes I feel like I've just been walking around in circles for the past four years.


I had therapy today, and as much as I love my therapist it pretty much sucks going there sometimes. I woke up this morning and instantly I knew something was wrong. Sometimes I have days like that, where without warning all the darkness suddenly engulfs you. It's like a fog, overwhelming yet intangable. You can't seem to figure out to reason for it but it's just there.

Apparently, (so I've read,) people with Borderline Personality Disorder have a particular lack of self identity- hence the title. Mostly I feel that all people my age have no clue who they are, but apparently in my case it's more severe.

Sitting on the train today I felt like I was melting away...it was as if the hot wind filtered through the window and went straight through me. I'm so lost in the world, in myself that I feel like I don't exist. My therapist asked me today what things do I enjoy doing? Simple question, but for the life of me I couldn't answer. I searched my brain and there was just nothing there. Nothing. Because I am nothing.

Where do we begin to find ourselves? And how can we make it less terrifying?

Borderline Personality Disorder

An official definition:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women.1 There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases.2,3 Patients often need extensive mental health services, and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations.4 Yet, with help, many improve over time and are eventually able to lead productive lives.

Symptoms
While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day.5 These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.

People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.

People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex. BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.


This is pretty much me. Basically we are emotional and socially retarded.
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder.shtml