Panic Attack

So what does a panic attack actually feel like? Read on. Most of my panic attacks happen when I really want to hurt myself but try and resist this. I wrote this entry whilst being in the psych ward after one of my biggest panic attacks. I was sitting by the locked doors to the outside and sobbing, giant heaving sobs where you can no longer breathe and I truly felt like my life was never going to get better. I believed I was always going to feel this way, and I couldn't take that anymore.

A Coffin of Hope

Sitting curled up against the wall, those barred windows hardly a glimmer of hope. How can a person be expected to stay locked up in here and not go insane? Coming back is the worst. You experience the smallest piece of freedom only to return to the cage. Last night I was terrified of ending up like them. The real crazies who believe they have the answer to life, Or the ones who sit. God’s waiting room I call it. They merely spend their days sitting, staring in silence, awaiting death. Who knows if they even think? Or perhaps they merely pray for someone to put them out of their misery. I was convinced that they’d never led me free. And then there’s the world outside. It’s all stressing me out so much. And my mind...I just want it to stop. Please let the darkness engulf me. All I wanted to do was die. I felt as if my body was about to explode. I could feel the fire in my chest flaring. A heavy weight crushes against it. I want my heart to burst. My skin crawls and itches. I want to move but sit still. I stretch and pound at the floor. I want to scream but stay silent. It all hurts so much I want to destroy myself. Crush every bone in my body. Please God make it stop. Kill me now. Stop the pain.

If only they knew the truth. That I was so prepared to die, desperately trying to stab at my veins with a blunt earring…Couldn’t get through. It just wouldn’t pierce the skin properly. I wanted it so bad. I imagined them finding me. The blood dripping over the bed and me already gone... Asleep for all time. If I tell them the truth they’ll keep me here forever. I can’t let this place become home. Though as horrible as that is it sometimes feels that way. “Don’t get too comfortable,” (Girl Interrupted.) I guess the definition of irony is watching Dr Phil. whilst being in the mental ward. It’s like a game here. You play by the rules and you win and get out of gaol free card. The nurses say jump and you say how high?

“To wear the gold fitted hat if that move her.”