My stay in hospital was less then helpful and more, quite traumatising. The reason for admitting me to the psychiatric ward was because the night before I had cut myself pretty badly and they thought it would be a good idea to lock me up.


It was new years eve when it all starting to turn. I had been cutting before that but this time was different. This time was a little more serious. I cut myself on my hand, right between my knuckles and split open a vein. I think I then went into some kind of shock, because I cleaned up, bandaged my hand, got dressed, went to a new years party and got horribly drunk. I also thought it would be a good idea to go swimming with my freshly cut hand, which meant the next day it was infected.


When I decided to go to the emergency room the next day I was completely numb. I remember sitting there reading a book as if nothing was wrong. I could have easily been sitting in my room or a cafe casually watching the world go by. Nine hours passed but it seemed like minutes until they called me in. It was then things really began to crumble. I told them that I had done it myself to which the doctor told me I was stupid. He was pissed off and then made me wait by myself for over an hour while I silently cried, not wanting to disturb anyone.

For some reason whenever you turn up to a doctor after intentionally hurting yourself they ask bluntly if you are doing it simply to get some attention. I guess that's because some people are. But this was not the case for me. Cutting was my secret shame. I didn't want anyone knowing about it. It was my thing, mine, my own, it was what I curled up with at night and I didn't want anyone else being a part of it. When I had to finally tell people, it was as if my whole world fell before me. I was naked in front of a crowd and had no one to hide.

After my patch up in ER, they sent me down to the Psych ward. I remember zoning out not really taking in what was happening to me. I kept a journal the whole time I was there and wrote in it constantly. I'll be posting more of that soon so you can get a better idea of what it's like being locked up.