Canberra does weird things to my head

I'm crashing and fast.

There is something so seductive about the crash. It's like someone has come along and given you permission to fall down and to stop holding in the dark. You can let it go and watch as it all spills out. It sounds bizarre but there is a strange beauty in it.

I should be happy. Should. Such a powerful world. I am lucky and incredibly blessed with a wonderful life. But, that doesn't stop this pain in my chest. It doesn't stop me from thinking what if. What if I stayed? What if I jumped? What if I said no? What if I said yes? What if I let you...

It's a bit of a paradox, the crash. You hate and love it at the same time. It's almost as if you like the idea of falling but haven't considered what it's like to hit the ground. Basically it hurts like hell.

I guess the question is what to do during the crash. Drink? Get high? Have sex? Cut.... But I don't do that anymore. I am no longer that girl. The problem is that it still hurts the same. It still fucking aches. But now I have no quick fix. I have to stay, and actually feel it. What is it the classical irony that in order to heal you have to hurt?

Just reallised that this entry has no point to it. I'm not trying to convey any meaning. More I'm just trying to decipher random thoughts and feelings running through my brain. So as always the case it becomes a series of disjointed snippets as opposed to linear thoughts.

I want to be held. I don't feel safe.

I want to be held.